Analysis to Paralysis:
Every waking moment (that is not spent on some task that requires expending my mental energy)*, my mind asks the same questions, drifts to the same constant thoughts: Why am I not as hardworking as I want to be and why am I not doing everything I can to use that God given potential. Of course, these questions make some basic assumptions, first being that my definition of hard-work is universally acceptable at some level and the second being that everyone has untapped potential. Let me attempt to briefly explain the basis of these assumptions. All of us usually know when we work hard or not, and my definition of hard work is a set of actions that does not have merely fleeting effects.
The second assumption probably derives from something to do with my view of the “bigger/deeper” questions (or, more likely, from me being in denial about my visibly limited abilities, “this is all you are capable of, get used to it”. “No, No, Never, I am just not using my potential”) but here again we can agree that everyone can do at least a little bit more than what they are doing right now. Proof of the above claim: You ARE the fly (infinitesimal point) approaching the wall in that Greek dude’s paradox (which was later solved with the idea about sums of infinite, convergent sequences … yea that one) and from YOUR frame of reference you still have distance remaining to travel. When you reach the wall, you are dead (because you are a fly and it is a wall, score: wall 1, you 0) and therefore during a lifetime we can never utilize our full potential (Yes, please do point out the holes in this “proof”)
Now that you are acutely aware of the questions, I can talk about my constant quest to find answers to these questions. First step in answering these questions is to break them down to their bare substance and analyze the available information. (And the second step is to fill space while stating the obvious). The obvious answer to why I am not as hard-working as I want to be is that I want to work too damn hard, almost, impossibly hard. I can live with this answer (and trust me I have tried) but the fact is that the question stays on in my mind. This leads me to another question: Why do I still have that original question nagging me if the obvious answer is true? The obvious answer to this question is that the obvious answer to the last question is not correct. The not-so-obvious answer to this question is that I just like having nagging doubts and, even though the last question has been answered correctly, this question still persists because of my proclivity towards certain mental states i.e. of being in a constantly questioning state.
Procrastination to Destination:
I am writing this in the train on my way home when I am supposed to be studying. I am usually so disgusted about my procrastination that I spend hours and hours thinking about how not to procrastinate. Sometimes, unusually, I even put pen to paper (or finger to keyboard) and make elaborate schedules and timelines. That usually gets me to the time where things cannot be delayed anymore and I do a “magnificent” job of whatever it is that needs to be done and congratulate myself on working well under pressure. This is usually followed by bitching about high expectations from those around me and about conspiracies of the universe contracting the time-space continuum. (I am particularly fond of this above conspiracy for it also explains my expanding waistline). One of the most ineffective solutions I have found to cure procrastination is to read all about it. First, congratulate yourself that you have recognized your problem, as all self-help books will tell you, recognizing that you have a problem itself is half the solution. Second, congratulate yourself that you are so self-aware and also, do not hesitate to feel ecstatic that nothing ever slips you by. By this time, you are over your guilt of procrastination and the cycle starts afresh.
Overly Positive Attitude:
Yes, I was too lazy to name this habit better (another characteristic habit that is going to be discussed next). I pride myself in being as positive as possible. Any half full glass will be harder to tip over than a half empty one because of the difference in the center of gravity. My high school physics teacher never took kindly to that attitude. This habit has allowed me to fail consistently, repeat the same mistakes over and over and still believe that I can do it. It being whatever I want it to be. They say that the sign of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly while expecting different results, but I say that is a sign of looker half-full glass ultra positive. (“They” also say that sane people can frame sentences properly but I showed them!!!)
Half-Assedness:
This is the most significant habit and it pretty much defines people like me. Daring dreams and incredible ideas, stupendous starts and excellent executions all fumble and fall in the face of that awesome quality of half-assedness. You would have already noticed the decreasing length of each paragraph, and now that I have reached three and one half habits, until next time…
*Parenthesizing. I do it. A lot. Get used to it. (Or not, I don’t care) It comes down to qualifying your statements, because, in the back of your mind, you know you are an insecure idiot who wants to preempt all criticism by portraying that you are aware of those criticisms. This paragraph itself normally warrants parenths but I did not want to make the first paragraph painful. You are welcome.
